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September 16 2015

I’ve Moved!

You might have noticed things look a little different here.

This blog is closing, but have no fear, a new one is here: SexuallyAwkward.com

Select old posts will be re-released, plus tons of new, fun, sexy, interesting content.

Thanks for the eyeballs, and I hope you enjoy my new project just as much, if not more. :)

And to see me naked doing weird things, click here!

No related posts.

April 17 2015

November 13 2014

Feminism & Why I’m Not a “Good Girl” (Anymore)

I’ve been annoyed at feminism the last couple months/years. I was once head over heels in love, but then once we got past the honeymoon phase I realized it would be a difficult relationship to maintain, and not one I was sure benefitted me. I had the typical “evil patriarchy” male privilege perspective that kind of fell apart once I started interacting with men on the internet on a regular basis. Men would email me questions about their love and sex lives, clearly wanting more but not knowing how, their pain evident between the words as they struggled to be vulnerable. Men would write me adoring emails, thanking me for the value I added to their lives. Submissive men especially surprised me, how much they worship and adore women – all contrary to what I expected.

I also saw an unpleasant side of men – exactly what I expected. Especially when I webcammed. Grown men begging me to flash my tits, trying to scam for free shows, demanding, being verbally abusive. But this wasn’t actually the majority. It was/is a very loud minority. The squeaky wheel. At times I’ve wanted to throw that wheel through the window. But it wasn’t worth it. The vast majority of men I’ve interacted with in the last 5.5 years have been polite, respectful, and nondescript – I don’t remember anything about them in particular, because they simply consumed the product they bought in peace. No problems.

The combination of these two sides has led me to conclude that men are far more clueless about women then they are misogynistic. An otherwise intelligent man can be colossally dumb in terms of appealing to women, which can come across as rude or entitled. As a generalization, men are FAR more straightforward and direct in their communications than women, particularly when it comes to sex. They miss all the nuance that makes a woman feel comfortable taking off her clothes and opening herself up (literally and figuratively). And when they fail, they don’t understand, which basically turns (some) into assholes. Which is even less effective. I honestly think only a minority of men are truly out there to victimize women; if there weren’t, I think I’d run into a lot more douche bags in this line of work.

This, combined with arguments flying all over the internet over whether a sex worker could even be a feminist (especially from women), and a few other things not worth getting into here have soured the taste of feminism in my mouth.

Yet I can’t disavow feminism entirely, as I remembered yesterday, this ideology helped me create the weirdly safe space that is my porn site.

It came from a negative place, actually. IF I was going to do porn, I was going to do it for me. Yes, the scenarios and fetishes would be my customer’s. But the experience would be all mine, and no way in hell would I compromise myself for a strange MAN on the internet. It was very uncomfortable in the beginning. I was hyper concerned with somehow allowing myself to be taken advantage of by a tool (hah) of the patriarchy.

I was going to be authentic. This did not, however, mean I would film my own fantasies. It did not mean I would be true to my body’s desires, as is often celebrated in feminist porn. (I wasn’t able to then even if I wanted to.) This wasn’t this wasn’t feminist porn. This was fetish porn. I was, however, a feminist doing it. Which meant I would draw on a part of myself, I suppose in the way an actor does in film. I would not create a fake character that did not exist at all in reality. I created a reality that wouldn’t exist otherwise, but the person inside it was always having real experiences. Curious, excited, aroused by the situation more than the specific acts, almost like a child filled with wonder at the vast world of sexuality – her own as much as her viewers’.

I would put a very new part of myself out there, someone who had only shown herself in brief glimpses to anyone before Terry (before I got off antidepressants, before I tried any recreational drugs, before I became fed up with following the script of life that was put before me by people who weren’t me). This “dirty girl” thing I have going was something I was just discovering. I figured out that I like weird shit. The feeling I get doing it. I also learned that I like turning my partner on. I like knowing his body, and even more that deep part of his psyche where desire comes from. I like the interaction between him and me. I like knowing that something I’m doing is affecting him, and that in turn affects me. I like being seen, whether by a camera or simply when he looks at my body as he fucks me; knowing I’m watched makes my skin prickle with aliveness, my blood pound harder, my awareness more present. I like the human body and how primal it feels to breathe in the scent of his sweat, to feel him pulling my hair, his spit dripping down my face, to fill our mouths – noses – ears – every sense with each other.

She was vulnerable. (She still is.)

I’ve managed to keep her safe and allow her to explore by making boundaries. Lots of them. In my time in porn, I’ve laid down more boundaries than in all the years prior. Porn became a place where I could say no, and mean no. Because I was producing my own content, if I didn’t want to make something – NOBODY COULD MAKE ME. Sometimes it was fun saying no, other times annoying. But I got to say it, and got to mean it. Some things that were an early no, are now yes’s; others will probably always stay no (such as other men). And a couple yes’s became no’s in time. I’m not sure I’ve had such power in any other area of my life. I’ve needed it.

At the same time, there have been many things I’ve been unable to control. I don’t know who I’m working with until that day, sometimes (though typically I know a couple days ahead). I don’t know how she’s going to react to my crazy ideas (though usually positively). I don’t know if some new legal issue will make selling porn more difficult (though if obscenity didn’t defeat the industry I’m not sure what will). I don’t know if STD testing will become more difficult or condoms be mandated state-wide and force us to move our production.

But most of all – I have no control over how people receive my videoswhether they laugh at, judge, or are disgusted by a very personal part of me.

This is absolutely the most difficult part of my experience. This is what I’ve hoped to control much of my life – other people’s perceptions of me, by presenting mostly what they want to see. Being the “good girl.” Assuming you’re capable, its easy to get a good grade when you simply do what the grader asks. Do it over and over and over again and people start thinking you’re a God damn genius. Yet being good at meeting expectations is hardly the same as intelligence, and its certainly not who I am.

Its a stereotype about porn stars that they thrive on attention from men (with the implication, of course, that this is a bad thing). While its true I’ve discovered I DO enjoy male (and female) attention, there’s as much negative attention out there as positive surrounding the adult world. I have this wonderful safe space, yet to others it doesn’t necessarily look that way. I used to think the goal was to stop caring about what other people think, but as I get older that seems like bullshit. We’re social creatures, and other people’s opinions of us DO matter to a degree. We must acknowledge them, we just can’t let them run our lives. The irony, of course, is that when someone is confident in what they’re wearing they can pull off the most ridiculous of ensembles (hello, Lady Gaga). That is a quality I’ve always admired in others – the confidence to simply be. Perhaps they’re not as confident as they look; I know I’m not as confident as people seem to think I am.

Control is an illusion, an attempt to tame uncertainty by being – doing – feeling the “right” thing in the “right” way at the “right” time. Power, though, is dynamic and nobody knows when I have it except me.

I may get social approval, but I will never have any power as a good girl.

Related posts:

  1. But I Thought Feminism Gave Me Self-Esteem…
  2. Socialist Feminism Makes a Terrible Relationship Model
  3. Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

November 11 2014

What’s Cheating?

Question via Tumblr: Hi kelsey! Is it cheating to have someone other than my girlfriend fart in my face? Would she have to be made aware?

Are you considering paying a dominatrix or something? I just can’t imagine how this would happen otherwise, lol.

What’s “cheating” is really different for everyone. To some people, even looking or thinking about someone else is cheating, though that’s totally unrealistic because we’re clearly NOT monogamous in our attractions (though we may choose to be in behavior). To swingers, having sex with someone else might not be cheating, but it would to most people. To me, a woman who just watched her husband lick another girl’s pussy and ass and get a hand job on video last week, cheating equals lies and dishonesty more than particular acts.

I personally think its unethical to have sexual relations outside of a relationship without everyone knowing. I don’t think you can have a happy fulfilling relationship if one or both people are lying – then its just fake. My feeling is – what’s the point of being in a relationship if one or both people are just pretending to be someone they think the other person wants? Those people are never really connecting, in which case why bother?

The problem is, that not everyone is okay with sexual relations outside of a relationship. And not everyone is okay fulfilling their partners’ needs. And some people would rather just go do it and lie than be honest. Its a lot easier, on the surface. I think that’s super common when men see escorts or dommes – they’re not comfortable sharing their desires or don’t have the interpersonal skills to work things out with their partners – so they figure if there’s no chance of attachment since its paid, then its not hurting anyone. I can sympathize, having been in sexually unsatisfying relationships.

But being in a totally honest relationship now, I see how much I kept from previous partners and how much distance that created between us. Honesty is fucking hard and we have hurt each other at times saying things the other didn’t want to hear, but we also respect each other because of it.

I think you’ll probably do whatever you really want to do, just be aware that if you keep it a secret, it might cause problems down the road. And perhaps look at why you can’t share this part of your life with her – and if you have to hide something, whether she’s the right person for you or if there are relationship skills (like communication) you could learn that might make things more satisfying for you both.

Whatever you do, good luck :)

Related posts:

  1. Open Relationship vs. Cheating

November 06 2014

I Wanna Share My Fetishes!!!

Question via Tumblr: hey i just meet a girl and i relly what to tell here about my fetishes like my diaper fetish how can i tell her

Well congrats on meeting someone :) That’s always very fun and exciting.

Its great you want to share your fetishes with her. Unless you met her in a BDSM or fetish type of setting, I think fetish discussion will usually happen slowly and is really going to depend on your girl. Not everyone is comfortable with fetishes – sometimes they’re just not into them, but often they just don’t understand them, and sadly we often judge a book by its cover. Whether she’s open or not depends on her own sexual tastes and how comfortable she is exploring. Chances are she doesn’t have a diaper fetish and she may have never heard of it. So I’d suggest feeling out how kinky she is and maybe share some ‘lighter’ fetishes (everyone’s heard of a foot fetish, for instance, and its not usually seen as that socially creepy) before going to the more socially ‘out there’ ones.

Realize a few important things here -

1 – She will have her own reaction to each new sexual/fetishistic thing you introduce.

2 – Her reaction may or may not line up with your desires. Her initial reaction may stick, or she may change her feelings if she’s open to learning more. A range of possible reactions may include:
- She just so happens to secretly share your fetish, or something similar, and is super excited to have found you!
- She’s totally fascinated and wants to try.
- She’s interested to learn more.
- She’s okay with you liking it but is unsure about participating.
- She’s okay with you liking it but doesn’t want to participate.
- She’s unsure about it.
- She doesn’t like it but is open to learning more.
- She doesn’t like it but is content to ignore it and never talk about it again.
- She doesn’t like it and becomes judgmental.
- She doesn’t like it and never wants to talk to you again.

3 – Whether or not she is cool with your fetishes is in no way an evaluation of your worth as a romantic/sexual partner or more broadly, as a human being. Regardless of how compatible you are in other ways, you two simply may or may not be sexually compatible.

4 – Depending on her reaction, you may or may not want to continue seeing her. All relationships require compromise, so if she isn’t interested in some way that’s centrally important to you (i.e. you want her to participate but she does not want to), its up to you to decide whether you can happily live with something less (maybe you just do it on your own without her). In time she may change her mind, or she may not – and that’s her freedom to do so.

Its up to you to decide what’s necessary and what’s optional in your relationships. At the same time, I’ve seen people with fetishes be so adamant that their partner fulfill their fetish in a specific way that it actually pushes away potential partners who might be open in some way. Its a balance between being true to yourself and your needs, and being flexible enough to let another person with their own wants, needs and desires into your world. Its really no different from any other element of relationships (religion/spirituality, how money is handled, cooking and meals, the importance of family, etc.).

As far as how to specifically tell her – I’ve done a lot of podcasts & blogs on communication so I’d suggest you check out some of these:

How to Talk About Sex
How to Talk About Your Fantasies
How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

Good luck!

Related posts:

  1. Sexual Preferences Versus Fetishes
  2. Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?
  3. Porn to Share With Your Girlfriend

November 04 2014

Is It Too Late To Let Go of My Shyness?

Question via Tumblr: Hello, My name is Dave. I’m 50 years old l’m and still a virgin. I’ve been overweight since puberty and underwent extreme mental and emotional abuse all through school because of it. In short, I was treated like crap. People I went to school with were very arrogant. I was raised by an anti social, over protective mother. I suffered extreme shyness until really only the last few years. I was never able to have any kind of life and now I think I’m too old to try to start one now. Am I past help.

Hi Dave, nice to “meet” you. Thanks for being patience in waiting for a response, I wanted to make sure I could give it the attention you deserve. It sounds like you’ve experienced some tough shit in your life, and it will probably take you some time to sort through it and grow past it. Childhood stuff is tough because we’re still forming our ideas about who we are, and if we see negativity reflected back to us, we assume that we’re somehow defective ourselves – as opposed to seeing others behavior or your environment as fucked up. What you experienced as a young child was particularly formative, because I’ve read that until the age of 7 or so, kids are ego-centric, meaning they think everything that happens in their life is in some way because of them. As adults we can understand others motivations and actions but as kids we think everything was our fault. And if those things never get resolved in us, we’ll continue to go through life as if its shit because we don’t deserve any better.

The fact that you wrote to me shows that you know its not too late to change your life. You’re only too old if you believe you are. I think a lot of people your age would say they are, even though they still have half their lives left!

You might be surprised to know, I’ve struggled with shyness and social anxiety most my life. As a child, I can’t remember NOT feeling that way. At age 4, my parents took me to a psychiatrist because I wouldn’t talk to anyone except my family & a couple close friends. He diagnosed me with ‘selective mutism,’ which meant I would only talk to select people, though (of course) I wouldn’t talk to him either so he couldn’t really help beyond that. Kids in school would make fun of me and ask me if I knew how to talk, which was humiliating, and funny enough my attitude-ridden ‘YES!’ were some of the few words they ever heard from me. My mom (who is also pretty shy) read me this book called Its Okay to Be Shy to try and help, though the way I felt was absolutely was NOT okay. It was horribly painful and made dread school and every day social situations. Of course, I couldn’t tell anyone that because I was so shy, so I remained in my shell. Anytime I had to talk to someone, my mind would run rampant with how stupid I am, how there must be something wrong with me. I would be so frozen I literally had nothing to say most of the time.

Coming out of that has taken time, patience, numerous therapists, books, writing, personal development seminars, spiritual exploration, and honestly, experiences on illicit substances that shifted my perspective on myself and the world (I’d say this was one of the most important things, all the other work grew from and supported these experiences). I still have difficulty communicating, I still get frustrated, anxious and frozen – but in time I’ve created new patterns of behavior and learned to deal with my emotions enough that comfort zone has gotten much bigger. Most people I meet would never guess I used to be so shy.

Change isn’t linear, in my experience it happens in steps. You’ll make some progress, then plateau. And when that happens, you’ll probably go all “poor me, my life sucks, I’m a loser [or whatever your personal insult of choice is], nothing will ever change.” But take enough steps and eventually you’ll come to accept the plateaus as important as the progress. Its when you take stock, see how things have changed, and whatever needs to be dealt with next will come up.

If you’re a reader, I’d suggest the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It comes from a Buddhist perspective, but you don’t need to be into Buddhism to appreciate it. Its written in plain English and is very easy to digest. I’m reading it right now.

Otherwise, a therapist would be most people’s first stop. Try one. Or two. Or three. Try a few out and see whether you click with them. There are so many different approaches to therapy and some will work better for you than others, and depending on what issues are most pertinent at the moment.

Basically you’re embarking on a journey to explore yourself, learn that you’re an awesome person, and how to share your awesomeness with others (and appreciate others’ awesomeness in your life). The more you can approach it as a game, an exploration, the chance to learn something new and fun and interesting about yourself and life more broadly – the better the trip will be and the more likely you’ll learn to live life on your own terms.

I hope this helps :)

No related posts.

November 02 2014

Fetish Problems: My Girlfriend Farts On Me But it is Inconsistent or Rare…

Question via Tumblr: Hello Kelsey, I have a deep fart fetish involving being forced to inhale farts. It’s on top of my desires as I am a submissive male. My girlfriend farts on me but it is inconsistent or rare. Do you have any suggestions on how to help this? Thank you:)

Talk more to your girlfriend about both your wants and needs when it comes to sex. That’s literally the only way you two will ever be sexually happy.

But first, realize this -

The thing with farting – and many other body worship / body odor / body function fetishes – is that the person was (typically) originally programmed that the act is dirty, disgusting, rude, etc. We’ve largely been conditioned that our bodies are gross and to take as many steps to shield people around us from coming into contact with our own grossness. Think about it – by the time you are dressed and ready for work in the morning – you’ve coated yourself in the scent of your soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, cologne (if you wear it), deodorant, and the smell in your laundry detergent. You smell like a random array of artificial flowers and musk and mountain sunshine, not like a human being. For women, its about 10 times more, with our body sprays and scented lotions and scented tampons. The message we get from an early age is: the natural human body is nasty and should be avoided at all costs. Especially the female body (hello, periods).

I’ve noticed this when I direct our fart fetish videos in particular, that while the viewer is getting off on the smell of their farts, its important that the model feel comfortable doing something she was originally taught was gross. Its a transition that slowly happens from when a model first walks in often feeling anxious and worried about what the shoot will be like, whether she’s going to push too hard and have an accident, whether we’ll judge her, whether it’ll smell too bad, etc – to by the end of the day she’s walking around farting and giggling and talking about it like its no big deal.

So just because you’ve shared your fetish or fantasy doesn’t mean the person is going to be automatically comfortable with it. Your partner has their own feelings about it that have nothing to do with you, directly, that bleed over into their interactions with you. If they’re uncomfortable in some way it doesn’t mean its a hard no, but it means you both need to talk about how you feel. And from there, you can find solutions that work for you both. Just recognize for something taboo, kinky or just plain different from what your partner has previously experienced or desired – it may take some time for them to become comfortable.

If she’s willing to do it sometimes, it means she’s open, at least to some degree. I think you’ll be most effective if you initiate a conversation about what you love about what you DO do, and how you two can have the happiest sex life possible together. And part of that would involve more of your fetishes, but for all you know, she’s got her own ideas of what she’d like. Talking about how you BOTH can be happy and acknowledging what IS working will be much more effective than complaining about what she’s not doing.

Also check out this post and KelseyEducation.com under Fetishes and Communication – there’s a ton more practical advice. Good luck :)

Related posts:

  1. I Have a Premature Ejaculation Fetish & My Girlfriend Doesn’t Like It
  2. Why I Love Fetish, Part 3
  3. How to Bring Fetish Into Your Sex Life

October 28 2014

Sexual Anorexia Therapy #s 3 & 4

Today I have my 4th therapy appointment with my “sex therapist” that’s not really a sex therapist. Which is fine, because as it turns out, most of my problem isn’t actually sex anyway, that’s just where I see it happening.

I’ve been to many, many therapists, psychiatrists, and alternative healers of various kinds. Though some of those experiences have been very helpful, I don’t think I’ve seen the degree of progress I’ve found with this one in this amount of time. I think its a combination of having a ‘correct’ sexual anorexia ‘diagnosis,’ her methods and the accumulation of all the work I’ve done previously. Basically, I’m really really ready and she’s the right person to help me, so it seems.

Really for my own record-keeping, because I’m very interested to track my experiences so I can look back and see what worked and what didn’t, I’m going to briefly describe my last two appointments and the changes that have taken place since.

Therapy Appointment #3: I went in expecting to talk more, but instead she said we were going to do a visualization exercise. It used to be very difficult for me to visualize anything, but with practice in various therapeutic settings, its become easier. I’ve also learned how the subconscious works, that images are more pertinent there, so that makes it a legit practice in my mind. I don’t remember the details, but within the visualization I was on an island and I was meeting younger versions of myself. I saw myself at age 3 sitting on a hammock, and (in my mind) I had to go sit next to her because she was so young, she needed my help. I saw myself at age 8 shyly hanging around the edges. And I felt some presence of myself at age 14, though I didn’t see it.

Then she had me walk over to the beach and see ‘my shell’ I’ve been hiding in all my life. It reminded me of those snail cars from Disneyland’s Electric Parade but with dinosaur scales on the outside. It was very hard, but inside it was like a little machine I’d learned to drive around and interact with people as if I was the car. But I’m not the car, I’m the person inside. She asked if I wanted to remove it and I did, but I was way too scared. She said some stuff to me as a child, telling me I’m okay the way I am and things along those lines.

Therapy Appointment #4: She had me bring in a list of the top 10 most traumatic things I’ve experienced in my life, to me. Some of those things seemed very minor in the grand scheme of life, but to me they were major major things. Things I’ve felt bad about since they happened, times I wasn’t able to communicate effectively and had negative consequences, times I felt colossally stupid or felt completely helpless. Others were quite major, such as some conversations I had ‘coming out’ as a sex worker and getting treated for vaginal HPV. I saved the most difficult one for last, the one sex related thing thing I’ve never told any therapist ever (perhaps the reason, in part, therapy has only ever helped to a point). I was hysterically sobbing as I told her, knowing that to her it probably wouldn’t be a big deal, and it wasn’t. She said it seemed fairly normal, and I agreed from the outside. But from the inside, its been eating away at me since I was young. Afterwards, I felt relief simply having shared it with someone other than Terry, someone who has experience with all kinds of fucked up situations and thought this one was just fine.

Things that have happened since these two appointments:

- Communication about a big sex issue I had a ton of trouble talking about that would cause me to avoid sex – primarily that sometimes (really, just sometimes) Terry would move way too fast and penetrations would happen too soon. I’d attempted to talk about it on several previous occasions but as often happens when I’m nervous, it came out all fucked up, he reacted negatively and I was too anxious to properly explain. So it sat and happened again and again, until I was finally able to talk in my fucked up way and deal with his reaction, to get through to what I really meant. The process of communication was actually really awesome, more so than the specific thing (though that was important too).

- I got extremely angry at someone, and for the first time really saw that my anger was legitimate. Typically I would feel anger, then guilt, then go into blaming and shaming myself. This time, I was straight angry and just that emotion by itself made me feel more alive. I was so angry my whole body was shaking, then suddenly I became very calm. A cool tingly feeling rose from my feet all the way to my head, then snapped back into what I felt was a black pit in my stomach. A voice in my head (my brain, but not the way I usually relate to it) said this was fear, and that this was the most pertinent issue to address in my life right now, not anything about sex necessarily. The following several days I noticed just now much my actions are motivated by various fears, and how shitty that feels.

- I talked with Terry about some specific things that I’m fearful of with him, primarily making him “mad” (my word for anytime he has a negative reaction). And all these bizarre things I do to prance around his “anger” so I don’t trigger it, which are actually completely unhelpful and avoid dealing with the underlying situations.

- We talked about how I initiate sex and how awkward it is (for both of us), and how I could do it in a more straightforward way.

- I confronted Terry about some of his behaviors that were pissing me off and hurting my feelings. I spoke honestly, and even though I reacted to his reaction, within a few hours we were able to settle things down with only a minor amount of crying on my part. I didn’t fall apart because I believed I had something real and important to say that affected my life and happiness with him.

It looks like the common theme here is that I’m recognizing that my emotions aren’t just crazy, they’re based in something important to me, and to have happy healthy relationships I need to address those things. Allow me to sum up years of work on myself with one word: duh.

And the outcome in my sex life, thus far, has been very positive:

- We did some things that I’ve almost always felt shame after, and I felt completely fine.

- My body has generally been more sensitive – sensations simply feel a bit more in my genitals and elsewhere.

- I’ve come to terms with some BDSM-esque things I simply need right now to give structure and direction to certain parts of my life. Given that Terry is dominant but is totally not controlling, I came up with a way that I could basically do it myself but with enough input from him that I get the psychological sense of submission that I need. Much more on this later.

- I’ve felt more comfortable saying when I want sex, though there’s still some inhibition on asking for some specific things on my part. But instead of getting upset at the inhibition, I’m simply noticing it. I’m not getting hung up on it or pissed off or sad and alone feeling.

- I’ve been able to face what I experience as negative reactions from Terry in addressing these issues without taking them personally and twisting them into a story about how shit never works out for me, how my mind/body/emotions are broken, how he doesn’t really love me or that he’s going to leave me. Or when I’ve started to, recognizing it and seeing through the story, and how clinging to that bullshit only gets in the way of resolving the issues. Its as if I’m becoming able to experience multiple emotions at once without becoming overwhelmed or lost, I’m able to allow space his experience (even if I hate it), and for mine at the same time.

- I’ve experimented with pain and spanking in a non-sexual context and realized I really really like it, when I tell Terry how to do it and not be too aggressive too soon. I like a slow build up of sensation until it gets to the point where I just can’t handle it anymore. It simply feels good, reduces stress and leaves me feeling fuzzy after. Its not necessarily sexual though it can be incorporated into sex and I like that too.

This definitely does not mean everything is perfect. What it means is I’ve been okay with things not being perfect, and addressing that when I can, but recognizing I can’t do it all at once and it may never all be done.

Related posts:

  1. Sexual Anorexia: My First Sex Therapy Visit
  2. My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”
  3. How Can Phone Sex be THERAPY? Interview With Dr. Susan Block

October 10 2014

Screaming in Silence

Last night I was sorting through boxes in my closet, when I came across one full of “memory stuff.” Old movie tickets (why did I save the ticket stub from Mean Girls?), faded airplane tickets, keepsakes (like the rocks I saved from Israel or the keychains my dad brought me from his business trips around the globe), random funny shit (such as a button reading, “I want to watch gay sex, can you help?” that a friend of mine actually wore to a local burning man event in 100% seriousness).

And cards. More than anything, the cards got me. Birthdays, graduations, Bat Mitzvah (which I did in college). I even found an anniversary card my grandma sent to my high school boyfriend and I; she still sent my parents cards on the anniversary of their first date, and so she continued the tradition with me and my boyfriend’s 5-year relationship. She LOVED him and thought we were going to get married (so did we).

I came across cards from the first (and only) woman I’ve truly loved. Telling me, “You are a wonderful, and intelligent person who is willing to be herself regardless of what anyone else thinks, and we wouldn’t want you any other way.”

I sorted through the few material objects left from earlier chapters of my life with mixed emotion. I was overwhelmed with the amount of love in my life. Maybe I was never the cool kid in school or the life of the party, but I’ve always had people around me who loved and cared.

I felt overwhelmed because at the time, there was always a part of me that felt unloved and unloveable.

And I see why. Despite my relationships with these people who cared for me, there was always something missing. I didn’t know what, exactly. All I knew is that a good deal of the time, I felt like I wanted to scream – but couldn’t. Nobody knew anything was missing because I didn’t – couldn’t – tell them. I didn’t know how to articulate what was wrong. No matter though, because I was terrified.

Almost every relationship (friendship or romantic) ended feeling as if the person didn’t really know me. How could they? I didn’t really know me. I struggled, diving first into my Jewish identity, then creating an academic identity and finally a feminist identity to define myself. And I found a part of myself in each of these environments, but none of them could ever explain the whole of me. Each ended feeling as though I either had to cut off the parts of my self that didn’t fit into the mold to cram myself in, or say fuck off entirely.

That thing that was missing is the part of me that decided one anxious sleepless night that yes, I would start a fetish website. It is the part of me that found freedom in the rave scene. The part that loves to dance, feeling the bass pounding through my body, hair flying in my face like a cavewoman, sweat dripping down my back, to electronic music that compels my muscles to move from deep within, mostly absent words to distract my mind. Its the piece that goes to pole dancing, learning to feel comfortable moving my body sensually, gracefully, to perform erotically (in my own eroticism) in front of others eyes. The parts of me that desire both worship and degradation, pleasure as well as pain – physically, emotionally, psychologically. The side that required altered states of consciousness to even access, at first. Its the part of me that craves adventure and exploration as much as grounding and depth.

Simply put: I did not feel ALIVE in my body. I primarily occupied my mind – a busy, anxious, categorizing, judging, evaluating, critiquing, weighing and measuring space.

I had people who cared for me – the me I was able to be at the time – but I was only partially there. Relationships can only be as deep as the people in them, and while all of my relationships have had those moments of seeing, I was too scared and lacked the emotional skills needed for intimacy to be the rule, not the exception. The logical, rational good student side was well known and praised, but just being her was not fulfilling in itself. She was successful, from a social perspective. She amassed a long list of internships, volunteer positions, conference presentations and grants. She felt proud of her accomplishments yet worried they were never enough and anxiously feared failing, as her worth was based largely on the grades on her papers, lists of accolades, and praise from parents, teachers and other figures of authority.

It could only be that way, because that’s what I allowed – that’s all I COULD allow – to exist. As much as I longed to feel life pulsing through my veins, I was scared, and frankly had no clue how that happened or if it was even possible.

It was confusing. Everybody around me seemed content to do those normal things we’re “supposed” to do. Nobody else appeared to be struggling, at least not at the depth I felt. But then, without having the words to describe, and too scared to even try, how could I have known that? I assumed based on what I observed. Maybe they couldn’t explain it either.

I believe this “journey” of exploring my sexuality has been mostly about bringing out that part of me that wants to feel alive. Its about sex, but its more than that, its about the person who comes to the sex and how she relates to it. Its about how I meet those feelings of desire and what I do with it. Its about creativity and femininity. Its about sensuality and experience. Its making friends with those parts of myself and allowing them to come out and play.

It is not logical or rational and I will never receive a good grade for it. And that is exactly why it means so much more. It is not that I disavow my intellect, but rather that the ‘good/smart girl’ isn’t who I am, its simply a role I played for many years and the vehicle through which I related to most people in my life. Yet I am also NOT asserting that this newer, more adventurous part is “really me.” Replacing one limiting identity with another only repeats the problem, just from the other side. The “real me” is made up of both. And probably other parts yet to be discovered.

My goals now entail some mix of stability with adventure. Mind with body. I want to organize my life so I can spend 2-3 hours a day reading and writing. I want to make the space for yoga or meditation every day to simply ‘be.’ And at the same time, I want to expand into ‘performing’ for other porn companies, fetish and mainstream. I want to feature dance. I want to create the sex education/porn site I was originally aiming to turn this blog into. And I’m planning a wedding at Electric Daisy Carnival in 2016.

Simply put: I want to live my life as myself, doing things that I want to do, with awesome people around me. And I am willing to do the work to make those things happen.

With sexual anorexia, or any type of “anorexic” behavior, people frequently ping pong between hyper-control and completely out of control. Just like the addict may go back and forth between life off the rails and Jesus. My concern has been that my desires aren’t “real,” that they’re just part of a cycle that will end up as unfulfilling as the intellectual-control side. That they’re a reaction to feeling stifled, not true desires. That’s been my fear, still feeling that I “should” live a more normal life (never mind that statistically normal is unhealthy, unhappy and in debt). I’ve been afraid, most basically, that my desires are wrong because they’re not validated by any of my typical mechanisms I’ve gone to for approval. But desire doesn’t care about rules, such is its nature.

What tells me this is “real” and not reaction is that having ALL of these things together gives me a sense of balance. I am equally “out there” as I am “in here,” only now both are increasingly grounded. Meaning I do not feel overly controlled with the associated mental, emotional and physical tension. Nor does it feel out of control with the associated anxiety and shame. It feels as if I am standing on solid ground, and the space is free for me to use as I like.

That space is simply life.

No related posts.

October 08 2014

Open Relationship vs. Cheating

I’m on FetLife, though I rarely use it. But occasionally I get an interesting message, such as this one:

You look beautiful, quick question I am married too, but I am looking to have a open relationship as well, any suggestion? because I can’t discuss this matter with my wife, she wouldn’t understand

If you can’t talk about it with your wife, its not an open relationship. Its cheating. The basis of an open relationship is trust, honesty, and communication.

Try the books Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino to understand better how these things actually work.

Good luck.

Related posts:

  1. My Wife’s Bisexual – How Do We Open Up Our Relationship?
  2. Jealousy: Managing a Quasi-Open Relationship in the Adult Industry
  3. Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

October 05 2014

I Am Not a Fantasy

I sell fantasies for your viewing pleasure.

However I am not a fantasy. Much as I’d like to be one, hair all flowing, looking perfect, saying just the right thing… I’m oddly attracted to a fetish I’ve recently discovered called ‘bimboification,’ where girls are ‘transformed’ into being the perfect sex object. But this is, of course, a fantasy and funny enough nowhere near my radar when I started porn. Becoming a sex object was the last thing I ever intended. I was always more focused on my own personal experience and my desire to understand sexuality then trying to get the approval of horny penises around the world. (Though I’d be lying if I said they played no part in my performance. I like being watched.)

The funny thing about the fantasy I sell is that its mostly predicated on doing completely (socially) unattractive things like fart, burp, and sweat. I love doing things like this because to me, it humanizes my body, it shows I’m living and breathing and not airbrushed or plastic.

But porn is porn. Media is media. And where there’s an image on a screen, someone (probably a lot of someone’s) will long for the image to be real in their very own bedroom.

Its not and it never will be.

I don’t reply to most of my emails because I simply don’t have time, but I took a good hour to write out a response to a really super nice one yesterday. The man was so ‘envious’ (to use his word) of Terry and our relationship, wishing he could find someone like me.

I am always flattered to read emails like this. I also always want to laugh because they’re largely divorced from the reality that is my life. People think they know me because they see me all over the internet – doing something for less than 5 hours on camera each month, only 0.6% of my life. This sliver of my life, most of which wouldn’t even happen if we weren’t filming a commercial product, defines me in many people’s eyes. Its an interesting experience to be known for something so minor (time-wise), yet also so outrageous (content-wise).

I’m sharing my response here to shed light on the other 99.4% of the time I’m not doing bizarre things in front of a camera.

Thank you for your very kind email. Your words are very flattering and it makes me happy you’ve taken a liking to my work :)

As awesome as it is to get emails like this, I have to point out that while I may be your fantasy — the thing you’re desiring is exactly that, a fantasy. Terry didn’t meet the person you see online today. That person has evolved from a painfully shy socially awkward little girl (who I still feel like pretty often). In fact, the only reason you even know who I am is precisely because I had so much anxiety about sex, it was so painful for me, that I had to do SOMETHING about it. And that something ended up being porn, just so that I had a place where I could interact with other people in a sexual sense. So I could learn about what other people did, what turned them on, what different bodies looked like. And hopefully somewhere in there, begin to feel good about my own and share that part of myself with my partners. The extent to which I am comfortable with some elements of sex now (definitely not everything) is in direct proportion to how UNcomfortable I used to be.

I am often playing a balancing act between being authentic and being, for a lack of a better word, attractive. Please realize, I love what I do, but what I do is create a commercial product; its not a hidden camera in my bedroom. Selling that product entails presenting myself on the internet as attractive so that you want to watch my videos. On video everything happens perfectly and I’m wonderfully sexy and seductive and in a fantastic mood. So of course you want me! And that does happen sometimes in real life, its awesome when it does!

Terry and I, like many couples, seem to fit together perfectly at the same time as we can trigger one another perfectly. We don’t fight so much as I become emotionally overwhelmed and cry hysterically and he sits in silence. Neither of which facilitates open communication, especially about sex. In fact, we just spent last evening and several hours this morning communicating about how exactly we communicate, when it works why it works, and when it doesn’t why it doesn’t. Going back and forth – when you say X I feel Y, well when you feel Y you do Z and that makes me feel Q, etc, etc, etc. With this (super fucking difficult) conversation, like many others, we’ve helped open one another’s eyes to our behavior and how it affects each of us. If there’s anything special about our relationship, its only that we’re committed to working through shit and growing where we need to, even when its hard. And its the working through shit that brings us closer and makes sex (and everything else) better. I mean who gives a fuck if your sexual interests align if you can’t get your shit together to actually connect? That’s what I’m slowly but surely learning to do.

There can be times when I’m a complete emotional anxious mess – I just decided a long time ago never to put that out onto social media. Its embarrassing, unattractive, and obnoxious. At the same time I can’t sell a fantasy of myself – I can’t bring myself to act as if I’m the always horny porn star who gets off on everything the viewer happens to – I have to be real to some degree, so I try to write on my blog (KelseyEducation.com) as I learn how to handle my emotions, have fun with my work and deepen my relationship with Terry.

I hope this doesn’t kill your interest in my work completely, but I’d rather be honest than help perpetuate an unrealistic fantasy about myself.

And then I gave him some links to my podcast to help the guy out. I’m not an asshole (all the time). I’m just not a fantasy.

Related posts:

  1. From Fantasy to Reality
  2. Is Fantasy Better Than Reality?
  3. What Does a Fantasy Mean?

September 15 2014

The Joy of Discovering Your Butthole

Anonymous asked: Hi c: so I just discovered playing with my asshole and I was wondering if you had any other fun things I could try! Thank you, and I love your blog!

Answer:

Well congratulations on discovering how much fun your butthole can be.

Its hard to know what ‘other’ things to tell you without knowing what you’ve already tried!

But(t) – fingers, tongues, penises, vibrating toys, and graduated plugs can all be fun in there.

Some people enjoy deep penetration, others like the feeling of spreading and stretching the butthole open with wider toys. Some like it to be ‘fucked’ (moving something in and out) and others just like how it feels for something to be sitting in there.

The only way you’ll know what you like is to try, and that’s the fun part :)

Related posts:

  1. How to Have Anal Sex Question: What if She Has a Tiny Butthole?

September 10 2014

What’s a Diaper Fetish?

individualcole asked: Hi Kelsey, I’m a really big fan. I recently revealed to my girlfriend all of my fetishes and she has fortunately been very accepting, I wanted to ask if you could make a YouTube vid explaining the diaper fetish, I can’t seem to explain to her myself.

Answer:
That’s awesome!!!

I haven’t made any YouTube videos in 2-3 years – I’ve been focusing more on my podcast. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about diaper fetish specifically, but I’m happy to share what I know here, if you want to share it with your gf.

There seem to be a few different versions of the diaper fetish – some people enjoy simply wearing diapers, while others combine it with some form of ‘age play’ or ‘age regression.’ So there’s the fetishized object – the diaper – and there’s the context in which its used.

Some people actually use the diapers for their intended purpose, some only #1 while others let it all go, while still others only like how they look or feel without using them to go to the bathroom.

Those who enjoy age play or something related, may also like playing with pacifiers, dressing in ‘baby’ clothes, or even roleplaying with someone to be their ‘parent’ to change them, feed them, put them to bed, etc. Age play is a huge fetish that ranges from people pretending to be infants all the way up to teenagers. It could be loving, it could be disciplinarian, it could involve setting rules and guidelines for the ‘little one’ to (attempt to) obey and punishments for when they don’t.

So the diaper fetish can be very simple or quite elaborate, depending on the individual’s preferences.

I think psychologically, diapers are often about a loss of control – either control over one’s bathroom functions (one of the very first things we learn in life) or control over one’s life more generally. Adult life is fucking stressful and most of us don’t learn to deal with it very well. So (temporarily) transforming into someone younger can be relaxing, taking one back to a time before bills had to be paid and important decisions had to be made. Plus they’re taboo and normally reserved for babies or the elderly who have lost that control (both physically and in other elements of their lives) – there can be an element of humiliation and embarrassment here too. Throw the embarrassment/shame/humiliation many people feel for simply having desires like this, and the diaper fetish can elicit a lot of different emotions.

Its actually a pretty diverse fetish and can be used in a lot of ways, depending what you (and your girlfriend) enjoy. Hope this helps a bit!

Related posts:

  1. Kinky Fetish Sex Files: What is a Balloon Fetish?
  2. Kinky Fetish Sex Files: What’s a Vacuum Fetish?
  3. What is a Shrinking Fetish, Cousin of the Giantess Fetish?

September 05 2014

But I Thought Feminism Gave Me Self-Esteem…

Apparently I don’t have very much self-esteem. At least not the way my therapist defines it.

I suppose she’s right. I’ve done a lot in my 31 years yet I rarely give myself credit for anything. I second guess almost every decision. I am constantly arguing with the voices in my head that aren’t really mine. Yet simultaneously getting confused sifting through the words echoing in my brain – are these my values or someone else’s?

Upon reflection, it would be accurate to say I am insecure in that I do not feel secure in myself. Because a lot of my time and energy is spent sorting out what IS myself and what is not. Even very basic things can sometimes consume me to the point where it stops me from doing what I want to do. I question what I want and whether I should want it, constantly looking for a reason not to take the very next step – the step that, a few steps back, I was aching to take. I am often pining for some time in the future, yet when that time comes I am terrified, frozen, unable to move. Then I pine for another time down the road. Until the tension gets so uncomfortable I take the damn step as I’m half-averting my eyes away. Sometimes I laugh that it was so easy. Other times I question whether I should have taken the step at all and worry endlessly about whether I should even be here. And I pine again for another time that will somehow be different, a few steps ahead of the one I’m struggling with. Up there, it’ll be easy.

It does get easier. Yet this is hard to acknowledge. There are starts and stops to personal growth. ’Ignorance is bliss’ isn’t accurate, though at times I reminisce as if it was. In ignorance I assumed it was all me. Now, even if I am insecure, I know deep down that I must be okay because I’m no different from anyone else. If I see value in other people, that logically means there is value in me. I love the ‘new age’ (though its more like super old) concept that we’re all connected, as if we’re each different manifestations of the same life. The same need to live that implores me to get out of bed every morning does to you, though it may look different (I have to pee, I’m hungry, my kids are screaming, my dog needs a walk, I’m late to work). Before I had this idea, the logical conclusion is that there was something wrong with me and other people were therefore better. Now from this perspective, if you’re a cool person then I must also be a cool person deep down (though you and I both may not act cool sometimes). This makes intuitive sense to me. It feels like one of those truths about the world. At least for now. And it operates to temper too much finger pointing at myself. Oh I’ll go at it with myself for awhile, but there IS an end point. There are increasingly happy breaks before it creeps in again.

It is hard to admit because I thought I was past these insecurities. I thought my time studying feminism somehow melted it all away when I decided whatever I read about that supposedly subordinated women, I’d just do the opposite. I decided I wouldn’t preoccupy myself with silly ‘women’s issues’ like beauty and babies because I’d be enacting patriarchy in my own life and no way in hell was I going to do THAT. And somehow by NOT doing things I read were cultural expressions of sexism and misogyny I would be free. Looking back it was actually more silly to think all my problems could have been erased by diverting my attention away.

Where feminism failed me was in developing my own sense of self worth. Feminism was paraded as empowering yet became another external metric to measure myself against. If only I could erase the impact of the patriarchy on my life, all would be okay. Almost all of the attention in feminist writing was on the ways we have been put down by a male dominated system. Which I do not disagree with, at least not in entirety (I now believe the problem is more an oligarchy than patriarchy, though those oligarchs have usually been men; nonetheless, men suffer under existing social conditions too, we all experience gender-based social pains). Yet I did not learn the many ways in which it was okay to be feminine, and okay to be a woman. I did not learn to be embodied, that is, to be present in my physical pleasures and pains. I was not taught how to establish healthy boundaries. I did not delve deeply into myself and my experiences to discover my unique gifts and the value I bring to the world. I mostly learned how the world suppressed them. And in reaction I tried to suppress anything that might have contributed. But in the process, I suppressed parts of myself that needed healing in exchange for false bravado. Just because someone yells something doesn’t make it true.

Those parts, and others pushed down far far earlier in my life, are now being stirred up. I’m feeling things I haven’t felt since I was a teenager. What was underlying my 10 years on anti-depressants (ages 14-24). Processing old, old emotions that feel fresh and new. My insecurity is at a high, though that isn’t necessarily new, I’m just finally looking at it. The form is much more overt.

I have so many rules in my mind, and my emotions are constantly getting set off when I break one, yet the ‘real me’ (the spiritual me, my soul or higher self) exists on a plane where those rules don’t make sense. Self-esteem, I’m now seeing, is about listening to that part of myself and trusting it. That’s what I’m learning to do.

Related posts:

  1. How Making Porn Has Helped My Self-Esteem
  2. Socialist Feminism Makes a Terrible Relationship Model

September 04 2014

Sometimes a Girl Just Needs a (Fake) Rape

I’ve been feeling really crabby the last week. I thought I was getting my period but it didn’t come. I think I stressed it away because I swear I had all the regular symptoms [the internet tells me this is not possible, but I'm not sure I believe it]. I’ve been under a lot of emotional stress in therapy and dealing with some very big things in my personal life. I’ve been irritable and disliking people and avoiding sex, even though I can feel my body needs it. I have no idea if its my mental/emotional issues or whether its the lowered sex drive I usually get before my period. Its not uncommon to feel like confused by my body and I’m just along for the ride.

I complained about this to Terry and he said, “Well I can fuck you if you need me to.” So I asked him to be really rough with me. And he was.

He did all the things I’ve recently tried embracing that turn me on, though this time it wasn’t exactly enjoyable.

He slapped me and spit on me.

He fucked my face and I kept spitting up the like 3 sips I’d had earlier of a chocolate protein drink all over my shirt. I didn’t care and neither did he.

He put his dick in my ass without even licking it, which rarely happens, which slightly hurt (though my ass is used to his penis enough it went away quickly).

He spanked me so hard I cried, which I’ve never let happen before – I always told him to stop before it got that hard because I don’t really like the stinging. But this time I started crying right away, knowing he’d be doing it really hard and just allowing myself to go with the flow, so when his hand actually hit my ass it DID sting but I wanted it. The release felt good, especially when he put his dick back in my pussy and started fucking me while I was crying. I’ve never understood people’s fascination with spanking and bruised bottoms until this.

And when it was all over, I collapsed into his arms sobbing. He held me while I cried. I felt weird. I felt as though I’d been violated. I got no sexual pleasure out of it. And yet within 10 or 15 minutes, I felt a little more calm and centered then before we began.

I got something out of it that I needed. It was through sex, but it wasn’t exactly sexual.

I’ve read some submissive blogs where they crave things like spankings when life gets stressful. Maybe this is what this was. I just know it was a place where for a brief few moments, I was no longer in control. I was at the mercy of my body. All I could do is feel the discomfort and pain, which was just uncomfortable and painful enough I felt it but not so much I couldn’t handle it.

A part of me wishes I could just feel pleasure right now, but for whatever reason I just can’t. I can masturbate to make myself orgasm, but its more instrumental than pleasurable. I’m not in the mental or emotional state for a fuzzy wuzzy connection, whether with myself or anyone else. Maybe doing things like this allows me to relax into that place, that I can access at a later time.

Or maybe I’ll get my fucking period in the next day and I’ll calm down once its over.

Either way, I liked it.

Related posts:

  1. The Feminist No-No: Rape Fantasies

August 21 2014

My Kundalini Woke Up? WTF is That?

I had an experience recently that I can only call spiritual, and seemed to fit what I’ve heard called a “kundalini awakening.”

Kundalini is a sanskrit word referring to what some people call our physical-emotional-spiritual energy. And its supposed to be related to or emerging from our sexuality somehow. You can read some more likely inaccurate shit about it on Wikipedia.

I didn’t (and still don’t) know very much about it, nor did I necessarily believe it existed, though I was open to the possibility.

By Alex Gray

By Alex Gray

And then I experienced it. Maybe. I’m not sure. But I experienced SOMETHING, one lovely evening after I happened to have some really amazing sex.

I recorded this the following morning when the memory was still fresh, and I could still lightly feel WHATEVER it was I felt. I want to make jokes about it like I try to do with most things on this blog, but honestly I can’t. Not in a this-isn’t-funny-taking-myself-too-seriously sense. It just feels so matter-of-fact and real, there’s just nothing to poke fun at. Which is also weird for me. So here it is… whatever it is… !

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Related posts:

  1. Holistic Sexuality: What the Hell is That, and What Does it Have to Do With Intimacy?
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August 13 2014

Sometimes Conservative Christians Have a Point

I don’t agree with everything this woman says, but the judgment of her choices and beliefs is sadly common. This blog is fascinating because it demonstrates that no ideology can speak for everyone, especially not one that is said to speak for 50% of the population. Its ironic that while many people who consider themselves to be feminist have done some amazing things throughout history for women (and men) (and continue to do so) yet others use the term almost as a slur – how ABC people are NOT feminists because they believe or do XYZ (such as ‘sex workers can’t be feminists because they sell their bodies to men and contribute to the patriarchy’) – and that’s a problem. For them. Because they’re soooo unenlightened. The same way people who call themselves ‘liberal’ and listen to NPR often snub their nose at ‘conservatives’ who watch Fox News – not as if they simply reflect a difference of opinion, but as if the NPR-listener is inherently better, smarter, more advanced, more “progressive” (a term that has its origins in the eugenics movement & isn’t as historically awesome as people make it out to be).

Also I personally think we’re moving into a 4th wave of feminism… but more on that another time.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

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August 12 2014

Pleasure Doesn’t Always Look Pretty

I believe that’s KarmenKarma. Sure this looks violent and degrading and misogynistic. And it also looks fun (& if you follow her on Twitter, you’ll see she thinks so too). I enjoy having my breathing constricted. Pleasure doesn’t always look pretty. I’d say don’t judge a book by its cover, but realistically our brains are wired to take shortcuts like that, with so much information around us to be processed. So instead of not judging, being aware of one’s judgment of book covers opens up a space to ask – well is my judgment really legit? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. And even if it is for you, someone else may think its the best book ever written. As my dad would say, that’s why there are 64 crayons in every box (I don’t even know HOW many more there are today!).

Originally posted on Tumblr!

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August 11 2014

I Gotted What I Wanted

2 nights ago I wrote about desiring to be seen.

Last night I was.  

This is the odd way (some) things seem to happen lately.  I feel a desire.  I let it be. And shortly thereafter it happens to find its way into my life, without my explicitly trying.  It doesn’t happen all the time or for all of my wants.  It seems to happen the most when I’m calm and relaxed, when I allow myself to deeply feel my craving without judging or getting upset that I don’t have it.  When I accept that its not here but believe on some level that at some point it will be here.  

Writing this, it sounds a lot like what people call the law of attraction.  Whether that’s legit or not, all I know is my experience.  Which is…

We were on the DrSuzy.tv show last night.  Well I was (via Skype), and Terry came in the room at some point and joined me.  Even though I was with them virtually, I still had to get naked.  Well I didn’t HAVE to, its just a tradition that most people who come on the show get undressed to some degree.  I took my top off when we did “shots” that involved Terry licking salt off my boob (and I reciprocated, hah… though the shots were with water because we don’t drink much).  And then Dr. Suzy asked us to give a demonstration of some of my fetish work… which would have been smart if I had him lick my armpits and stuff since the aim of going on these shows is to promote my website, but at the time I wanted him to slap me and be rough with me so I went with that.  He slapped and choked and spanked me, just for a couple minutes, as I screamed and laughed both at the sensation and at hearing Dr. Suzy’s commentary on our actions in the background.  A good time was had by all.

After the show ended, we hung out on the couch talking.  We were both aroused from what we had just done, and he said he wanted to do my butt.  I said cool, though I had also been thinking about something else…  Which was something we’ve been into lately that we keep totally private so I won’t go into details.  I get nervous about this thing sometimes, but we both like it so I’ve been getting more comfortable bringing it up.  & I said hows about we do both.  

So we did the thing and it made my pussy so wet it completely soaked through my hot pink booty shorts, that is, until they came off.  I was VERY aroused, though sensation was kind of dampened, as happens sometimes when I’m nervous, but I still enjoyed myself.  A LOT.

And then we did the butt sex.  And I used my vibrator.  Which was awesome.  He slapped me and spanked me and spit on me, all the (not so) nice things I like.  At one point he accidentally hit me in the eye and I started crying for real out of shock, and he immediately stopped to ask what was wrong and hug me with his dick still in my butthole.  Real life sex has its lovely awkwardness that you don’t see in porn and romantic movies.  As soon as I was okay, we kept going til he cummed all up in my mouth.  As per usual.  Which was nice.

And after that Terry asked if I wanted him to finger me, which I’ve been into a lot lately.  This is a thing I get nervous to ask for even though I know he’ll say yes, so in the moment it made me happy that he offered.   I may not have asked otherwise because sometimes the anxiety of asking is so high that it disconnects me from my desire, so even if he says yes and does it, my body is no longer into it (this is the ‘sexual anorexia’ impeding what I want).  So I appreciated him offering because it saved me the internal struggle.

I was already super turned on from everything else we’d been doing, plus him asking if I wanted his fingers.  He fingered me while I rubbed my clit with my fingers and my vibrator.  And I got REALLY into it.  To the point where I was squirming and making weird noises and was so into the sensations in my body I forgot about anything else.  I was totally present and in the moment.  And even more, he wasn’t really doing that much to me.  I was the one fucking him, sliding my pussy up and down his fingers, angling my hips in different ways to feel him touch different parts of my insides.  It was 85% me.  That rarely happens.  And I’d like more of it.

In the midst of all this, was my desire I wrote about the other day: to be seen in my own eroticism, in my sexuality, as me, just me.  I was so enveloped in the pleasure my eyes were closed, but occasionally I would open them.  And every time I did, the first thing I saw were his eyes.  Completely focused on me.  Intensely watching me.  Taking me in.  As if me and my pussy were the only things that mattered in the world in that very moment.  

I was seen.

Despite all my fears, here is what did not happen:  I did not die.  I was not embarrassed.  I was not ashamed.  I was not overwhelmed.  I did not feel judged.  I did not cry.  I did not hide.  I did not stop.

Here is what did happen:  I felt alive.  I felt beautiful.  I felt that I mattered.  I felt connected.  I got turned on even more.  I kept going.  And when I wanted his fingers to do something different, I told him.  And he did it.  And I enjoyed it.  I REALLY FUCKING ENJOYED IT.  

It was so simple and yet I lack the words for just how profound it felt to me in the moment, and even still thinking about it now.  I hadn’t even told Terry yet my thoughts about that lap dance class, though I’d planned on it and have since.  Its not as if he completely knew what I wanted and gave it to me.  Nor could he really – I mean he could look at me, but I would have to allow myself to be seen to experience my desire.  I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible, trying hard not to be seen.  It takes far more than a flip of a switch for me to fully relax and open up.  My point being, I could never have MADE this happen.  In fact, any efforts in TRYING to be open only seem to shut it all down, to push my desires further away.

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

It just happened organically.  

It was not the first time something like this has occurred, either.

It makes me wonder if perhaps life is much more simple then we make it out to be.  

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